where do I begin?
I have typed and retyped this a dozen times and it just doesn't look right. Jerod & I are (oh just say it!) getting a divorce.
I guess I could write "Jerod & I are going our separate ways." That's the phrase Jerod prefers. I could try, "Jerod & I are separating." I've tried that one. But when you say you and your spouse are separating, people still think there's a chance... a chance you'll change your minds and your marriage will emerge stronger than ever, perhaps.
Not this time.
He told me 9 days ago - and I'm still a little stunned. And overwhelmingly sad. To learn that the man you married never truly felt that connection to you - that while he cares for you, he doesn't love you - I may never be able to put into words the fear, the panic, the devastation of that knowledge. I didn't want it to be true... but when I realized it was, there was nothing more to say. All that was left to do was wonder.
Where would I go? What would I do? We made some of the big decisions within that first hour: the kitty would remain with Jerod. Jerod would keep the house, I would move out - frankly, I wasn't interested in living here on my own, in a home we created together. Beyond that - nothing was certain. The phrase rug pulled out from under you doesn't even begin to describe it.
Along with the big fears came smaller, random fears: Who would open my nail polish bottles when they got stuck? (Seriously.) Who would drive me when I was too scared to navigate over snow and ice? What about all of my scrapbook layouts - were they even valid anymore? Should my blog be renamed? Who would keep this candleholder, this lamp, these tables... Should I stop wearing my ring right away? Strangely, these were the fears that paralyzed me the most. I spent the next day at home on the couch, eyes swollen.
A business trip to Phoenix provided some necessary escape - and perspective. In the days that have passed I've had good moments - moments when I look to the future with optimism and anticipation. In these moments I feel confident that I have the strength to move on alone. I've had bad moments ... like the morning after I returned from Phoenix, spotted Jerod's wedding ring next to the bed, and completely lost it. Most of the time I feel as though I'm moving within a fog, a heavyiness weighing on me that I can't shake.
There are blessings, too. I'm so grateful to my parents for supporting me and loving me and praying for me and honestly believing it when they assure me that all will be well ... to my friends for calling me almost daily to check on me... to the gals at SBO who have emailed to let me know that I'm in their thoughts and prayers, and to offer support and encouragement... to my boss for her support and her faith in me, and for letting me take the time I need... and for going to bat for me when I inquired about relocating to San Diego.
Which is precisely what I'm going to do.
Thank you to all of you out there for your love, prayers, support and faith. All will be well. This I know.
